I sometimes have a warped view of relationships, and by sometimes I possibly mean all the time.
You see, I want a relationship, but at the same time, when I’m in a relationship, I also sort of don’t want to be in one.

I think part of the problem I have when I’m in a relationship is that I can’t appreciate the present with it. That’s confusing isn’t it?
What I mean is that I’m constantly thinking about the future, things like ….
Will we still be together in a years time?
Am I going to say something really stupid soon that’ll piss you off?
Will I still like you next week?
Will you still like me next week?
How long will it be before we run out of things to say?
How long will it be before you realise I’m just like everyone else?

Obviously, if I’m loading all of this onto every relationship I get into then that’s not going to be ideal. You might even go as far as to say that it’s kind of doomed from the start.

Living in the present sounds simple, after all, we constantly live in a moment, but I think there’s a difference between living in the moment, and appreciating the moment.
Appreciating the moment takes skill as it means you have to let go of potential futures, it means you have to learn to stop worrying about what if, and start noticing what is.
That my friends is hard. It’s not something that comes naturally to me. I want to know what will happen, I pre-empt, I predict, I control and twist the future like some sort of obsessive, flame haired soothsayer.

This isn’t good for me, because it stops me seeing what I have, and makes me seem either too full on, or such a closed book that it becomes impossible to get close to me.

I am getting better at not seeing every future, at not worrying about the what ifs. Every time I get close to someone and manage to appreciate just being there, in the moment, every time I think this, right now, is enough, I give myself a brain thought high five.
It means that I can think back now and remember that time we sat on a bench and watched the sun set over the sea, and really smile.
It means when I think about that time we stayed up all night playing each other our favourite songs, because it is the only real way to get to know someone, I think of warmth, and joy.
And best of all, it means that moments are retrospective. I can live in the moment of something that has been and gone, and appreciate it for just being that, a snapshot in a journey, a moment of peace and warmth.
If I can do that with the past, then I can do that with the present, and maybe even the future.
The wiring is all there, I just have to plug it in.

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