So, I’ve been using online dating services. You know the ones, Tinder, Okcupid, those guys, and their friends.

Thing is, I’ve not been having a huge amount of success, and I think it’s me, or at least a major aspect of me, that’s putting people off.

Now, I’m not unattractive (and I realise that by writing that I’m immediately putting myself in the firing line regarding said attractiveness), I’m pretty funny (again with the firing line) and I’m a good person with an only slightly dubious moral compass. All good things, yes? So what could it be that isn’t what everyone is looking for, what terrible thing could be so off-putting?

Well, thing is, I’m also Trans.

I know, plot twist.

How do I know it’s to do with me being transgender though? Lets run though the things I’ve discovered to back my theory up shall we…..

I get way more interest when I don’t mention the Trans thing.

When it comes to making a profile on a dating site, we’re all faced with a decision as to how much information to give. In my case, the major question is shall I put that I’m a trans woman?

In the photos I have of myself it’s hard to tell. In fact, from personal experience, most people don’t realise at all. I’m blessed with a photogenic face, and an androgynous figure, so unless I let you know, chances are you won’t realise. (and once again, ready your metaphorical guns for the firing line I seem so fond of putting myself in front of)

When I don’t mention that I’m trans, I get a fair amount of interest. It’s all hey, how you doing, you’re hot, sit on my face, (no, really. Some people have like no boundaries) you know, the standard really.

However, when I put that I’m trans in my profile things really change. People still look, but that’s it. To make sure it’s not anything else, I’ve even used the same writing, the only difference being that I mention that I’m trans in one.

When I do mention the trans thing people can’t deal.

So what happens when I mention that I’m trans after we’ve been chatting for a while? Normally two things. Firstly people always say that it’s not a problem, or that they don’t care about it, because hey, it’s only gender right?

Secondly, they then never message me again.

There could be a few things going on here.

Firstly, maybe people feel tricked, or deceived. Generally people don’t like to feel this, so maybe they’re all “fuck you, don’t need this shit”. However I take issue with this, in that everyone has something they don’t tell immediately, because it could be seen as a negative. If we all ran once we discovered that people are complicated then there would be a lot less of us than there are now.

The other thing that happens is that people think about it. I know right? Unbelievable!

By think about it, what I mean is they think about what it means, and what they think they know about trans people, and what the people around them think they know about trans people.

I’ve been in a few relationships with Cis people, and when they told their friends they were dating a Trans person the response was pretty much the same.

“Trans people have a lot of mental health issues ( or as one person put it, Trans people are fucked up), do you really want to take that on?”

“But if you go out with a Trans person what does that make you?”

“Are you really a lesbian then if you’re dating a trans woman?”

“What are you going to tell your family?”

and of course the old classic, “So how do you fuck/what bits does she have?”

As you can see from these responses, there’s not much in the way of positive there. As you can also imagine, its sort of hard to stay upbeat about dating in the wake of all this negativity.

So, Whats a girl to do? At some point I have to mention it, because a relationship built on a lie is never going to work, and also, more importantly, I’ll be damned if I’m going to hide who I am for the sake of a relationship.

On the other side though, until I do mention that I’m trans things often seem to be going pretty well. Is it possible for a trans woman to find someone who isn’t bothered by it? More importantly is it possible for this trans woman to achieve that?

 I know it’s a battle, and it’s a battle where the odds are stacked against me, because I think that if the majority of people were honest with themselves, they’d have to think about whether they’d date a trans person or not.

So really, I don’t know, can I have a relationship? Am I too complex for other people? Are other people just not complex enough for me?

All I do know is that when things are against you, and it looks unlikely that you’ll get what you’d like, a victory is all the more sweeter for it.

Advertisements