Its not that I’m afraid of being single, more that I’m afraid of how long it goes on for. So far we’re talking a year and a bit, which seems like a short amount of time, and in the grand scheme of things, quite possibly is.
However, to me, it seems like a long time.
Thing is though, if I’m completely honest with myself, I’m not even sure if its being single that’s the problem. Maybe I should break it down a little….
Things I fear that are a consequence of singleness….
- Loneliness – I’m not lonely, but I know that it is a possibility, and that possibility is a real fear. Knowing that I might never live with someone again, however unlikely that may be, is quite a thing to put right in your head.
- No Intimacy – This is a big one. In the time I’ve been single I’ve realised that Intimacy is something I need. If too much time goes by between encounters then I start to feel pretty shit, which in turn leads to….
- Lowered Self Confidence – Most of the time I feel pretty good about myself. Sometimes it’s hard to do this though, and a particularly long dry spell really doesn’t help. The trouble is, the dark bit of my head can be pretty vocal during these times, and funnily enough it knows exactly which buttons to push.
So, it’s more the negative things that can come from being single that are the problem I guess, rather than the actual singleness as such.
If I was to confront these fears I guess that they’d be less of a thing, and I suppose by writing about them in a way I’m doing exactly that, I’m looking them in the eye and trying to see what’s behind their scary masks.
I think that once I do see what’s there, once the masks finally slip, that there’ll only be empty air behind them, and then maybe I won’t be so afraid after all.