I don’t know what I want. This applies to my love life, and my actual life as well. There is an element of deja vu about all this, as i’ve written sort of about this before but I honestly can’t remember the last time i was certain about wanting something. No scratch that, it was when I was 12, and really really wanted a globe that doubled up as a light as well. ( Funnily enough, I actually got one, the light on showed a political map of the world, light off showed a geographical map instead – it was cool, I still have it ).
Other than that though, I genuinely don’t know what I want.
I have a job, it’s okay, but its not what I really want to do. If you were to say to me, what do you want to really be when you grow up i’d just look a little confused, and shrug my shoulders. I’d also maybe say “I’m not grown up yet? Sheessh How long does it take? “ as well.
It would be the same if you asked me what i wanted from a relationship, where I’ll be in ten years time, or if I want to be the top hat in a game of monopoly. I think I possibly need to sort this shit out, as everyone knows it’s the little Scotty dog all the way.

Maybe I’m afraid of committing to something, maybe I’m even more afraid of committing, and then fucking it up, or finding out that I shouldn’t of committed in the first place. Maybe I’m afraid of making mistakes, maybe I won’t even see the mistakes till it feels like its too late.
Maybe this is all normal. Maybe no-one knows what they want until they find it, and then it’s so obvious you kick yourself.
Maybe i’m just not there yet.

Advertisements