Archives for the month of: June, 2013

I’ve been around for a while now, and every now and again I discover something that makes me really think I wish I’d discovered this a whole lot sooner than now.
These things are often things that other people know about, and have been singing about for ages, which makes it doubly face-palming that I’ve only just really discovered them in the last year or so.
For instance, I’ve recently discovered the joy of going to the gym. Yes, THE GYM. For years I’ve known about this place, but I’ve always been too scared to join one. It’ll be full of mega fit people, all muscly and tanned, i’d say, It’s not for the likes of me.

But people of the internet, wait! it’s just not true! Yes, there are muscly people there, yes, some of them are tanned, but there’s also people like us ( I say ‘us’, but there is a very real possibility I’m really just talking about ‘me’ ). Admittedly, the gym I go to is the cheapest one in town, but I like to think of it as The Peoples Gym, where everyone is equal, and all are welcome. Honestly, all gyms should have old men wrestling on mats, and people with mullets balancing on basketballs, cause that’s how The Peoples Gym rolls. Oh yeah.

And the best thing about going to the gym, the thing I wish I’d discovered years ago about it?
It’s fantastic for relieving stress. Honestly, it’s like a drug. If I have a bad day, then I go to the gym, and exercise the fuck out of the stepping cross trainer thing (technical term obviously ), and then I feel fine. It’s an endorphin based miracle.

I wish I’d discovered this years ago. And as a plus you also get fit and stuff. I even have guns!* Or at least one anyhow, left arm is looking like a boss. right arm, not so much. Should probably do something about that.
Ahem.

*not actual guns, that would be scary, and probably really bad gym etiquette as well.

When I was a teenager i was kinda awkward. It was very much inevitable, i had issues that were pretty big, and there was no internet to ask for help in those dark days.
One thing I found really hard to work out was how love fitted into how i was. I knew I found people attractive, I even attempted a date or two, but it was all very confusing.
If this was love, how come it was so awkward, and messy, and how the fuck could i ever fit into this, when i’m not even sure what or who I am?
I needed some pointers.
Enter Cetera.

I brought the album Solitude/Solitaire. Maybe not the best title for an album, although it does have a level of puntasticness that was pretty sharp for the eighties, i’ll admit.
My main incentive for buying the album was The Glory of Love, from the Karate Kid 2. It’s a catchy song, it spoke of this thing called love, and i needed to know more so i saved up some money, and brought the cassette album, as CD’s hadn’t been invented yet. ( I know, the past is so backwards, it’s literally like another time )
I listened to the whole album many, many times, absorbing the lyrics, singing along, headphones clutched to my head. I discovered many things, including the awkward fact that wearing headphones does not make singing along silent to people around you.
( Honestly actual embarrassment is when your Mum comes upstairs to ask you to stop singing as everyone in the Bible Study group being held in your house can hear you singing

Like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away

Fml, as the kids say nowadays. )

Apart from learning about headphones, I also learnt
-that honor should be fought for,
-that men are often bastards,
-that they don’t make em like they used too, but that that’s okay because new is better anyhow,
-that love can be fleeting, but it can also be reoccurring, and that we should learn from it each time it happens
-and finally, that we should always do it for the glory of love.

Admittedly its a strange mix of advice regarding the complexities of love, and if you add in the complexities of identity as well it gets pretty messy pretty quickly, but for some reason this album, and the songs on it, actually got me through some tough times growing up. Go figure eh?

I don’t know what I want. This applies to my love life, and my actual life as well. There is an element of deja vu about all this, as i’ve written sort of about this before but I honestly can’t remember the last time i was certain about wanting something. No scratch that, it was when I was 12, and really really wanted a globe that doubled up as a light as well. ( Funnily enough, I actually got one, the light on showed a political map of the world, light off showed a geographical map instead – it was cool, I still have it ).
Other than that though, I genuinely don’t know what I want.
I have a job, it’s okay, but its not what I really want to do. If you were to say to me, what do you want to really be when you grow up i’d just look a little confused, and shrug my shoulders. I’d also maybe say “I’m not grown up yet? Sheessh How long does it take? “ as well.
It would be the same if you asked me what i wanted from a relationship, where I’ll be in ten years time, or if I want to be the top hat in a game of monopoly. I think I possibly need to sort this shit out, as everyone knows it’s the little Scotty dog all the way.

Maybe I’m afraid of committing to something, maybe I’m even more afraid of committing, and then fucking it up, or finding out that I shouldn’t of committed in the first place. Maybe I’m afraid of making mistakes, maybe I won’t even see the mistakes till it feels like its too late.
Maybe this is all normal. Maybe no-one knows what they want until they find it, and then it’s so obvious you kick yourself.
Maybe i’m just not there yet.

I’ve been on a few dates, with a few people now, and the one thing that I still don’t quite get, is what is meant by “we should do this again”.
I mean on the base level it obviously means, we should do this again, but if we look at it more closely, does it really mean that?

Let’s take a recent example.
I arranged a date with someone, who incidentally got in touch with me, rather than the other way round, and it seemed to go okay. We arrange another date, that also goes okay, and the words “we should do this again” come up at the end of the date. I’m like yeah, we should, lets check diaries and sort something out, go for food, hang out, that sort of thing.
Anyhow, a week goes by, and I get a text. It basically says, “hey you seem nice, but can we just be friends yeah?”
Hmmmmm. Now, I’m not that much of a dick to begrudge someone not being into me ( okay, reading that back I am aware that that last statement does automatically make me sound like a dick, but honestly, I’m not ) but why say “we should do this again” if you don’t mean it?

I mean I guess its awkward to say that to someones face, but there is the fact that we never have to see each other again, as we’re basically strangers, who met online whilst looking for someone to hook up with. There is that.

Ack, I don’t know, this is the trouble with language. It can mean so much, and have so many nuances, and double meanings.

It’s such a strange thing. We speak, and communicate and our mouths, our tongues make these shapes and sound comes out, and our brains buzz and translate and we understand what we hear.
And then our brains buzz some more, and we try and understand that what we hear isn’t always what we understand it to mean.

dusk

I love this time of day. Even living in a city it somehow seems peaceful, there’s a calm, i can sit by my window, look out and hear life in the distance, and actually feel some semblance of peace.
It’s good to feel that sometimes, life is so very hectic, and full, so a time to just breathe, and listen is a precious thing. Without wanting to sound too much like one of those “inspirational” posters, we all need breathing space…….

I don’t actually really know what it is I want. This applies not only to love, but possibly to life as well. I’ve never been one of those people that knows what it is they want to be. I know what i’m doing now isn’t it, but that’s as far as I’ve got.

Surprisingly, it doesn’t become clearer with age either. You’d think, after nearly 40 years of contemplating, that it would, but nope, still clutching at straws, in a floundering sort of way.

And love? with love I feel I’m only just starting to chip away at its hulking glacier. I’m learning how to get a foothold at least, but honestly, I know once I climb to the top, all I’ll see is just how vast and uncharted it actually is.

When I look at it like this, I realise there’s no hope of ever conquering love, so to speak, the size and scope is too vast, ¬†and that all we can ever do is claim our victories when we can, and bask in them for however long they shine, and then move on before the ever encroaching glacier engulfs us, and we get frozen in a moment that was.

Maybe none of us know what we really want, maybe we’re all just running, trying to keep from being frozen and sharing the warmth of each other to keep loves glacier at bay.

Stupid glacier. Stupid, (wonderful, glorious, awe inspiring) glacier.

Freiya Benson

Writer & Photographer.

Let's Queer Things Up!

Queer, feminist politics.

A Word about Me

by Hina Khan Palwasha

a gentleman and a scholar

trans politics, too many books, a great deal of music, assorted ephemera.

a paper bird

Un pajaro de papel en el pecho / Dice que el tiempo de los besos no ha llegado

The Girl Next Door is Black

The Life & Opinions of a Late GenX-er/Early Millennial

meganelizabethmorales

MANNERS MAKETH MAN, LOST BOYS FAN & PERPETAUL CREATIVITY.

Beyond the Binary UK

Welcome to Beyond the Binary - a magazine for UK non-binary people

10mh.net

Ten Million Hardbacks

The Truth About Rivers

My questions, my truths, and my views are simply stops I take on my way to understanding the human experience. This is my path to us. To you.

The Nameless Blogger

A personal blog about life, relationships, and everyday struggles

banal muffins

art, food and existential crises

The Fickle Heartbeat

A blog about love or lack thereof

remember her november

A BLOG BY ADRYON LOUISE

There Are No Others

A Catalogue Of 'Othering'

%d bloggers like this: