I’m nearly 40. This, to me seems old. Not old old, but still, old. I remember when my mum and dad turned 40, and i also remember thinking then it seemed really pretty old, and now here I am as well. I’d like to think that I’d learnt something in the years I’ve been here, that I’d have some amazing nuggets of wisdom, but honestly, the only thing I’ve learnt is that it goes by so very quickly.

I’m a lot more confident, a lot more self assured and together than I was but I’m still fucked up, just much less so than before. I sometimes think if only I was like this when I was a teenager, but truth be told, it was not being like this when I was a teenager that made me like this now, so I don’t think I would trade after all.

I’m not successful, I don’t really have a career and I’ve never earned more than £20,000 a year, but I’m  okay with this. My parents are a little confused by this, they say don’t you want more money, wouldn’t it be easier? Which is true, it would be easier, but happier? I’m not so sure. Besides which, I still don’t know what I want to do, I’m still working on that one…

I’ve been married, divorced,  and in various serious relationships of various lengths. I’d like to be in more, but sometimes I worry that I’m too complicated, too independent, too set to be in one now. Even now I still also worry that if I do end up in another relationship that it won’t be enough.

So many things have happened, so much time has gone by, and so very quickly, faster than you could possibly believe, and you know what? I do have one nugget, one thing I have learnt, one thing that has helped me.

Live life, make the most of it, just in case this is all we get. Have fun, take risks, laugh, learn, don’t settle for okay, do what you need to do. After all, the only person who’s there all the way though this is yourself.

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