I am pretty good in my own company. I like time with myself, and am comfortable being alone. Sometimes though, just sometimes, I’m less so. These times come and go, and don’t follow a rhyme or reason, and they inevitably lead to introspection.
When they come, I often wonder about the reasons I get into relationships. I don’t think that relationships are actually great for me. They rarely end well, and tend to leave me feeling trapped, frustrated and controlled. Melodramatic, I know, but that’s they way it seems to go with me. So why do I still get into them? why do I rush headlong into living with someone, like there’s no tomorrow?
Some of it I know is the desire to fit in, to be normal, and to act like everyone else does. This isn’t, as you probably can see, a good reason to make such a commitment. Thing is, It has played a part in how I deal with relationships. I do tend to fling myself into them headlong, because I feel they’ll fix what’s not right with me. Be with someone else, settle down, stop being wild, have kids, do what everyone expects you to do. This is how I’ve seen things. I forgot to see things for myself, I forgot to do things for me, and to do things that are good for myself, not everyone else. Until now that is.
Now, after 38 odd years I really can see that the buck stops with me. Only I can decide what I really want, not family, not friends, not society, just me. I used to think I was broken, now I know I’m not. Yay me.
And loneliness? It does get to me a little sometimes, but I’d rather feel that, than what I felt whilst in my relationships.